Never Alone

     I want to talk about yet another spiritual discipline this week, Solitude. This is a discipline that I have never really been good at because in my mind solitude was equal to loneliness. It did seem to be the case that whenever I was by myself, I felt lonely. However I was not practicing solitude, I was being self-absorbed and sad that no one else was with me. If you haven't guessed yet I am a people person and the way I get energy and excitement is by being surrounded by people, not by being on my own. Thus when I read the chapter in Foster's book, Celebration of Discipline, I was truly convicted that I had the wrong attitude about the time spent by myself. According to Foster's book "Loneliness is inner emptiness. Solitude is inner fulfillment". I need to keep in mind that I am truly never alone and I should cherish those moments when all other people are gone because then I have time to focus on my relationship with the one who made me without interruptions.

     Silence is an important aspect of Solitude, they work hand in hand. "Though silence sometimes involves the absence of speech, it always involves the act of listening." This makes it clear that it is truly a discipline that not only people like me need to work at but also those who enjoy going off by themselves. Solitude involves being open to hear God's voice, not to simply dwell on ourselves. "The purpose of silence and solitude is to be able to see and hear. Control rather than no noise is the key to silence." It is easier to simply decide not to speak for an amount of time than to decide what moments are worthy of speech. Just like it is easier not to eat any chips at all than to decide you are only going to eat two chips and then put the bag away. This is why it is a difficult discipline for all people no matter their temperament and this is why the practice of this discipline may look different for different people.

     In class we were also encouraged to practice solitude based on whether we seek out people or being on our own. Those of us who tend to find ourselves surrounded by people most of the time to seek out a place where we can be truly alone. Those who enjoy time alone to try practicing solitude in the midst of a group of people. This being the case I decided I would take advantage of the fact I would be at the farm with my parents over Thanksgiving weekend, so I would go out to a tree-house in the woods. I would take the time to read my Bible and then sit in silence and reflect on my surroundings, where I am at in life and where God is leading me, the whole time listening for God's voice.

     I intended to go out on Friday but I kept pushing it back because I wanted to hang out with people. Finally Saturday morning I bundled up took the quad and headed out to the woods to the tree-house. I read my Bible and I re-read the chapter allowing God to speak into my life and I truly believe he did. Certain sentences stood out to me that reminded me of a conversation I had earlier that morning with my grandmother. She had spoken to me about something that been on her heart and mind for a while and she had been praying about for me. That particular morning she had been up since 5 a.m. and had felt the need to pray for me, she then felt prompted to come and speak to me. I understood what she had been trying to tell me for the most part but once I was alone in the woods her words and the words from the chapter on Solitude and also the Bible reading I did all fit together like a puzzle and I understood what God was trying to get me to see, to understand.

     The truth is, I get very emotionally attached to people and tend to depend on them for happiness, I feel the need to be surrounded by the people I care about and to have their approval. The truth is... it's impossible to be around them all the time and it is especially impossible to make everyone happy about every decision I make. In fact the chapter talks about a monk who's reputation was being torn to shreds and how God asked the monk to trust God and He would take care of him. "Perhaps more than anything else, silence brings us to believe that God can care for us-- reputation and all." This was a hard pill for me to swallow, I have a tendency of defending myself to others when they misunderstand something I do or say. I try to hard to have everyone like me and approve of what I do. The important thing is that I follow God's command and that I allow Him to be the one who is my justifier.

     After being convicted by my readings about what I just shared I simply sat and allowed God to control my thoughts as I dwelt on this new and difficult concept. God showed me particular areas where I was trying to hard to gain people's approval. I was able to release this, I felt peace and freedom. I am now free to take things day by day and to follow my conscience which I believe is the inner voice God uses to direct my paths and also to follow the promptings from scripture and throughout the day without worrying as much how people will react to them. If things are meant to work out, God will make it happen and not me. I feel less stress and worry about my future because God is in charge and He truly knows what is best for me. The only opinion I need to worry about ultimately is God's, I want to make Him proud of me more than anyone else. This is what I will strive for.

     I am now not sure why I was dreading this discipline so much. I did not feel lonely at all, it was peaceful and relaxing even though I was freezing my butt off. God used this moment to come close and teach me something about myself and about something I was really holding on to. I did not feel Him next to me and I didn't hear a different voice outside or in my head. I heard my own voice in my head, but God was directing my thoughts and opening my eyes to look at myself and see why my grandma was concerned and what God was also concerned about, what I needed to change.

     Ironically I have been sick ever since Saturday morning. I woke up sick that day, but when I decided I was going to go God gave me the energy and while I was out there I felt fine, I hardly felt sick, it wasn't until I got back that I began feeling really ill again. I am still sick right now, but I feel God even used my illness to show me I have been constantly moving and not taking the time to just sit back and listen to Him. I have also had very important and meaningful conversations with others this weekend. I am so thankful I have begun to practice this discipline! I hope that I may continue to do so for the rest of my life. I mean the inner solitude, the listening, and not necessarily the going off to be by myself the rest of my life. However, I do feel it is important for me to occasionally go off to be alone with God, I need to that more often.